Homeopathic insanity

Somehow I’ve come down with a cold in the middle of the summer. Is that possible? Maybe by definition is has to be the flu, or at least it goes by another name (perhaps “a balmy” or “the humid”). Anyway, in this sort of heat, the standard homeopathic remedies aren’t very appealing: chicken soup, hot toddies and the like. While tossing and turning feverishly in bed last night, I remember something that my high school German teacher (Rolf Scheel) had mentioned.

Rolf was a former Baltimore Oriole’s pitcher, coach of the UCSB baseball team, and at the time I knew him, part-time German teacher and part-time marathon runner. I think he still holds some marathon records in the over 65 age group. Anyway, Rolf had some pretty rare comments about health throughout my time in his class, the best of which was a tried and tested cure for the common cold (which he claimed was based on science, you make the call). He claimed that every time he had felt a cold coming on in the past twenty years of his life, this method cured him without ever contracting the full symptoms, or spending a day in bed. At one point he cured a cold epidemic in the entire UCSB baseball team right before a game that they tirelessly won in the bottom of the 10th inning. So without further adieu, the Rolf Scheel cure for the common cold:

  1. At the first feeling of cold/flu symptoms, act immediately
  2. Eat one large red onion, raw
  3. Eat one head of garlic, peeled
  4. Eat one orange, peeled
  5. Drink 1 pint (470 ml) blackberry schnapps
  6. Run 10 miles
  7. Upon return, jump into the shower immediately
  8. Shower with hot water only for 5 minutes
  9. Shower with cold water only for 5 minutes
  10. Lie down, feet above your head for 30 minutes

He claimed that no one had ever used this method and not been immediately cured. Apparently one sits up at the end feeling completely rejuvenated and ready to conquer the day. I’ve always been a bit skeptical, but given my current state, I might just have to try it. Of course, given that I’m only half as crazy as Rolf (and half as fit), I think I might halve the recipe. Assuming I’m still alive, I’ll let you know how it goes.